My Testimony: Lost, Broken And Looking For Love But Could Not Find It.

My Testimony: Lost, Broken And Looking For Love But Could Not Find It.

 TESTIMONY: WHERE WAS THE LOVE I NEEDED? I am exposing myself here to you all to let you know I was there and lived it.

Have you gone through your whole life wondering why?

Why everything you do seems to never fulfill the deepest parts of you?

Why you felt unlovable? Why you were abused or neglected by your parents? Why you never experienced the love at home as a child? Wondered why your parent(s) never said I love you and/or never encouraged you?

Why you never felt as if you truly fit in? Why you always were searching for love through a man or a woman depending on your gender to satisfy your hunger for love? Wondered what you did wrong when someone cheated on you? Wondering why you are divorced and how did this happen? Blaming yourself yet it takes two to make it work or to make it crumble?

Why you struggle with all these different addictions and don’t even quite understand why? How you thought you could control your addictions yet now they seem to be controlling you more and more?

Why you never felt pretty enough, good enough, tall enough, smart enough or perfect enough for anyone? Why you put down your body your whole life trying to live someone else’s fantasy of what you should look like, be like? Never allowed to be who you are or truly appreciated for who and how you are? Why you spent your life believing in the lies that these things are the reasons you are alone now?

Why you were raped and still suffer from this pain blaming yourself and feeling worthless because of the violation done to you? Have you felt suicidal because of the abuse whether mental, physical or emotional making you feel like you don’t matter and are worthless? Do you suffer from depression feeling hopeless and lost all the time? Do you drown your pain with alcohol or drugs or both?

Why you feel overburdened and overwhelmed taking care of everyone else but yourself? Were you trying to figure out what is the purpose of life and is there any peace finally?

Why you are working in jobs you really never liked but because of financial reasons you feel stuck? Are you trying to work feverishly to make a name for yourself in the working world because you never got approval or love at home? Are you trying to prove to those whom you loved most that you are worth something?

Why you sought out religion yet something was still missing and those “religious people” were rather “clickish” and you still didn’t fit in? Wondering why religious people were so darn mean and divisive?

Why you had to make it on your own and your strength is almost gone now?

Well, me too! I went through these questions in my head and I suffered most of the things I wrote here. I am writing this testimony because I want you to know you are not alone and all my life I, too, was searching for something deeper, something more but it always was out of my grasp. I felt like the hamster on that wheel just spinning round and round and never getting anywhere.

I merely “existed”, went through the motions that I was fine when at home I cried a lot, hid my pain, drank to forget how unloved I felt. It finally made me so physically ill that at MD Anderson hospital they told me that if our mind, body and soul are not all in alignment then we will become very sick and it eventually will kill us. They told me I was the walking dead; that is how bad and close to death I was. I felt dead, I didn’t care anymore. I was hoping I could just drink and smoke myself to death and it would be over soon. Death seemed like it would be a welcome relief after years and years of all kinds of abuse.

To make a long story shorter, I really never knew God or saw him in my life because of all I went through. So I just never gave him another thought. I was brought up in church but it was so phony there. I knew God existed and His son too but that was all. But lo and behold, in 2009, I was to the point of brokenness like never before and finally just said something like “I can’t do this anymore” (can’t remember exact words but it was that cry when you know you just can’t deal with anymore).

Little did I know that I had finally surrendered it, stopped trying to “fix my life” on my own, doing it all my way. Obviously it wasn’t working well or it was just temporary. I was finally crying out. Lo and behold, that was the night that God came into my life. I was angry, hurt, bitter, sad, lonely, cried so many tears had nothing left, drank and smoked trying to numb myself. Every night after work I would go buy more cigarettes and a bottle of wine and the next night after I cried out I went straight home. Night after that,  went straight home and it continued. It has been over 7 yrs now and He took that away from me.

So I am working right and now God sends someone to me. I have not repented yet. The man just talks to me and said the Lord sent him in there looking for the person whose heart is crying out. For some reason when I heard this, in the pit of my stomach (that is where our spirit is), I felt it was me he was looking for. A month later or so I said the sinners prayer and felt convicted in my spirit that I was a sinner and I asked God to forgive me. I was so lost and I didn’t know how to get myself out of my own messes. That was just the beginning of my journey my friends.

What I am telling you is the truth. Since I repented and returned, something started to change in me and I was feeling lighter. I was starting to feel better day by day, Jesus healed me of wounds deep in my heart, of physical ailments and of addictions. My life was slowly getting better and better and now it is hard to remember who I used to be because that lady died long ago. The new improved version is here now. In my brokenness was when love found me.

I wouldn’t trade going back to the way I was, indulging in all the things that were harming my body, my spirit and poisoning my mind. I wouldn’t trade Jesus for any of that. He has done so much for me and He will do the same for you. I am just one of thousands or millions he has done this for.

I still do not follow religion because religion is manmade and there is too much division in the churches, too many head games & each one taught strange doctrine. I simply asked God to be the center of my life, and that I desired to be only taught by him since he was the Rabbi that came down from heaven and I wanted to be taught by Him like the Apostles were. He introduced me to the Bible and the pages seemed to just fly off the book as I was reading it.

Too long to go into everything else but let me tell you that we are so trapped in satan’s mentality here on earth and he was trying to kill me off, destroy me completely. He kept me so far away from God by placing obstacles in my way continually so that I never would never seek God. But all those plans he had for my life backfired because the more he tried to kill me off and destroy and steal it all from me, the closer he was bringing me back to God. As satan stole it all from me, I had nothing left but to fall on my face and that is when surrender came and love showed up! I went full circle and it reminds me of the story of Joseph now. How through it all God can take all the bad and turn it for our good and He does this all the time if we just will allow Him in and let Him be the center of our lives. Lay your burdens down at His feet.

Ask Him to teach you, open up the Word, read even just a paragraph to start if you don’t understand it and just have a one on one relationship with Jesus. This is what His heart truly wants from us. Spend time with Him alone and forget the rest. If you feel down, sing praise songs and His presence will come in after you repent. Let it go! I wish people had told me how to do this years ago and I might have been spared much agony and torture but the enemy was keeping those that could have told me how to find my way back far away from me.

So I share this testimony so that it touches someone’s heart on here and that you don’t have to go through what I went through. I pray you read this and then just go lay it down at His feet, surrender it, and ask him to come into your life. He is a gentleman and He will never force Himself on you. You must speak it out loud to him. Say that sinners prayer, then don’t stop there. You must keep going and He will guide you to all truth and His love is nothing like man’s love. I no longer feel the need for any human to love me because I have a love far greater and once you experience that you will never want anything else.

His love is nothing like the love we get on earth. Not even close. I felt led to share this testimony by the Holy Spirit so that someone would know they are not alone.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
0

One Reply to “My Testimony: Lost, Broken And Looking For Love But Could Not Find It.”

  1. Ms. Sophie,
    Thank-you for your transparency. It’s important for everyone to get real about their need for a Savior, the ONLY SAVIOR, Jesus Christ.

    0

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *